Published on: 6/14/2014IST
Your First Relationship Should Fail
We learn through failure. It’s the only way to learn anything. Like riding your bike. You have to fall off a few times and scrape your knees, but eventually you get it. And once you get, it stays with you for life. That's why investing in building your skill set has immense value. It comes at a price few initially want to pay. But if you make the investment the returns will be exponentially greater.
That's why you see so many people trudging along in dysfunctional relationships. The magic and romance has long since gone. They have sex mechanically. The relationship becomes a chore. They become content with what they have and are afraid to risk losing it by speaking their mind.
If you're not thriving in a relationship, you're better off without it. If the relationship stagnates, take action or risk that it will fail. You have to identify the problem and bring it to light. This typically risks a fight, and a fight risks a breakup.
Every relationship begins with a honeymoon period, a chemical infatuation designed to get you to reproduce. Once it ends—typically 3-9 months in—you'll face the first fight. If you make it through the fight, your relationship can begin for real.
Now you'll encounter the immense challenge of reconciling two differing world views. Sometimes, the two people involved are radically different. The differences were just masked by the initial infatuation. Reconciling these differences takes skill. And you'll naturally lack these skills on your first try. You'll have to fall off the bike.
It's also very likely that, when entering into your first relationship, you came from a frame of scarcity. You were like a thirsty man in the desert who finds a muddy pond. At first, it seems like the purest of mountain springs. But once you satisfy your thirst, you begin to taste the mud.
Don't worry, there's good news. You can get on the bike again. You can, as you rightfully should and will, try to salvage the relationship. In the rarest of cases the first relationship will work out and you'll be together for a decade or more. But I've never heard of this happening. It's one of those things that's technically possible, but you can never seem to find. More than likely, getting back on the bike will mean starting over with a new girl.
I know what you're thinking. She's perfect. She's amazing. She's my dream girl. I've been there a few times myself. I know the rush you get when you make-out and fuck. It's better than any drug. But like any high, it'll end sooner or later.
Failure Builds Character
You can't grow as person unless you experience adversity. Just like you can't get big muscles without first tearing them up at the gym, you can't have a strong psyche without experiencing psychological and emotional pain.
Your ability to embrace and appreciate—even be outright grateful for—this aspect of pain separates you from the rest of the herd. Face the pain. Embrace the challenge. Go where you've never been before. Do what's uncomfortable. This is what a master does. This is what a king does. This is now your life.
I know, there's a part of your mind that will protest against this. There's a part of you that wants it to be different. There's a part of you that just wants to crawl into bed, forget this whole "becoming the best version of yourself," schtick, and just go back to numbing yourself with television and alcohol. I know this part of you exists, because it exists in me.
But that's just the way of the world. Life is always testing itself. It's always cleansing itself. We might not like forest fires, but they make the forest stronger in the long run. We might not like getting sick, but that's the only way to build up our immune system. We might not like economic recessions, but they need to happen to clear out bad investments.
There's a bigger principle of duality going on here. Not only does pain provide a direct avenue for growth and development it also gives us the contrast that makes pleasure enjoyable. I'll write more about duality in my next article. If all you ever felt was good emotions, you would soon get bored with them and this boredom would generate negative emotions. There's no way to escape duality. You can't have your cake and eat it too.
In My Relationship
Right now I'm with one of the most amazing girls I could imagine. This is a woman I'm ready to build a family with. But she's not perfect. And neither am I. So every time one of our faults comes to the surface, I have two choices. I can either bury it and pretend it doesn't exist, or I can face it and cause us both some emotional pain.
It's always the same. Every time it happens I try to deny it at first. I don't want it to be true. I don't want to face the next difficulty. But it nags at me, eats at me, until I finally spit it out. And when I do, the option of ending the relationship is always on the table. It must be. We have to be real about life and our relationship.
When one person begins to hold the other back, when any type of stagnation begins to set in, this acknowledgement of reality has to take place. And the discussion and the fight that ensues always precedes a period of growth. It clears the air. It makes way for the next stage. And if the next stage should be faced apart, so be it.
Am I scared of losing her? You bet your ass. But I'm also willing to lose her for the sake of my own development. That's always my first priority in everything I do. The better I become the more I can help the people around me.
After all, we're here to save the world, and we're no good to anyone if we don't learn to fail. So fail my friends, and fail well. You'll love it in the end.
Exercises
1. Write down three of the most emotionally jarring experiences you've had in your life. Write down three reasons to be thankful for each experience, and three ways each experience made you a better person.
2. Allow yourself to scream and cry whenever you face a difficult emotion. Challenge yourself to be as present as you can you during the experience. The expression of pain is cathartic. It's something each of us needs.
3. Make a statement of gratitude every time you face a challenging or uncomfortable situation in your life. It can be directed to yourself, to reality, the universe, existence, or God. It doesn't matter. Just make a point to say "thank you," in some way. Start doing it even if you have to force it through your teeth at first. Over time it will become more and more natural. In this way you'll train yourself to embrace challenges.
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